"What am I supposed to do now, God? I had a plan!"

I untie its faux leather strings and open my journal to the next blank page.

But instead of words flowing from my pen, only tears fill the empty page.

It has been a day filled with being completely blindsided by news, lots of changes, a little bit of hurt, and now a whole world of uncertainty.

“What am I supposed to do now, God? I had a plan!”

I had a plan.

Me. 

That was the problem.

Once again, months before, God had showed me one single puzzle piece for the picture and I rushed to shove all the pieces in so that I could complete the entire picture of the puzzle— even if I was shoving pieces where they didn’t quite fit.

I clearly heard God telling me I would be returning to Uganda in 2017 and even heard an exact date.

But I never bothered to ask what I would be doing in Uganda or where I would be serving. I just assumed it was the same things that I had been doing there for the past six years.

As most of you know, I’m pretty stubborn and, once I set my mind to something, it takes a lot to deter me from it.

It’s a good thing that God knows me so well! He knows the best way to deal with me is to slam the doors shut and lock them when I’m moving in the wrong direction. Otherwise, I will claw and pry my way through the crack that was left open.

I’m a fighter by nature. But sometimes, I fight for the wrong things.

I felt it slowly happening: the creaking of old, heavy door as it’s beginning to swing shut.

I fought. I justified. I cried. I pleaded. I bargained.

Finally, I conceded.

And with a giant whooshing that knocked the wind and selfishness right out of me, that old, heavy door slammed shut and the padlock quickly latched.

Something strange happens when you think you have the next eight months of your life figured out and then, suddenly, you know nothing.

Actually, one of two things can happen: you can break down and throw a pity party for yourself or you can get on your face and ask God to show you his bigger plan and what you need to do next.

Honestly, I spent a few minutes doing the first before I realized I should be doing the latter.

After playing a few worship songs on my phone and literally crying out a prayer, I sat still and listened.

Within minutes, I felt a peace that I hadn’t had in months!

I realized I had been living in a constant state of stress and panic. 

As I tried to figure out things, as I tried to sort out details, as I tried to pack, as I tried to answer questions that I didn’t have answers to, as I tried to explain what I would be doing, even though I didn’t quite know.

It was like looking down and realizing that I had been clenching my hand into a fist. It didn’t really hurt or register with me that I was even doing it. But as soon as I released it, it felt so much better. 

It was relaxed and open to receive something else.

That clenched fist was wrapped about the organization I wanted to serve with. I was holding it so tight that I was being unknowingly effected. 

When I released it to God, my hand was suddenly open to receive all the things he wanted to give me.

That being said, things have changed.

I am still returning to Uganda on Monday, as planned.

I will still be ministering to children while there.

But there is a lot I don’t know.

And, for once, I am thrilled by the unknown!

God has opened a lot of doors for ministry partners in Uganda and I intend on prayerfully and physically investigating each and every door!

While my World Race team was in Thailand, instead of having a set ministry partner, we participated in what was called, “Ask the Lord” month.

We spent the month in a constant state of prayer asking God, “Who do you want us to work with?” and “When?”

There were nights where we weren’t sure where we would sleep or what we would be doing for ministry, but we followed where God led us and it was the best month of ministry and growth!

That month or its experiences have been brought to my mind countless times in the past three days. I think that’s what my time in Uganda will look like; I will spend days, weeks, and months in prayer seeking God’s direction and plan and following where he leads.

Like I mentioned, I do have a few organizations I have connected with already, one of whom includes a ride from the airport and an unconditional place to sleep, as I figure things out. 

That’s proof that God is already providing, because being stranded at the airport without a place to stay has been my only fear so far.

I now have more peace and excitement about all this, even though I know less now than I did a week ago!

Things change.

But God remains the same.

Keep watching this blog (or subscribe in the right sidebar so it'll come straight to your email inbox) because big, exciting things are going to happen very soon!

P.S.- Another slight change: I received my extended visa approval yesterday! Praise God! I didn't get the eight months I originally asked for, but I did get six months instead of the typical three months! So, it looks like I will be coming back a little earlier than I thought to help my sister plan her wedding.

P.P.S- I also got my prayer cards from the printer today and they are ready to be sent off to those of you wanting a reminder to pray for me and put up in your office, room, or on the fridge! Let me know and I will get one mailed or delivered to you!