Learning to redefine my "ministry"

As I pour a small bucket of warm water over my upside-down head in the shower room, I watch with a little disgust as the water that circles the drain from rinsing my hair is dark red from all the dirt.

This red dirt permeates every surface and sticks everywhere, sometimes even refusing to come off after a long, hard scrubbing.

My feet are already stained a few shades darker and my house slipper have distinct red footprints in them, no matter how hard I try to clean my feet before putting on my slippers.

My belongings are all unpacked and organized- well, as much as possible.

I’ve even fallen into a routine, of sorts.

It’s been one week since I arrived in Uganda.

It’s been a week of mountaintops and valleys, a week of high highs and low lows.

In one week, I’ve walked almost 20 miles: to the market for food, to the house where my friends stay, to the café for breakfast dates, to the corner for pre-made street food, to a bridal shower where I was the only mzungu.

I’ve already played Phase 10 with friends more times than I can count. I’ve received words of encouragement from friends and been in conversations that weren’t my favorite. I witnessed an eruption of joy in a public hangout when our favorite soccer team won—barely. I have been whistled at and called to while walking down the street, something I learned years ago to laugh at and not be affected by. I have had the color of my skin cause the prices of stuff to suddenly double or triple when they see me, but I then disappoint them when they find out I’m not new to this and I know what the prices should be. I’ve laughed late into the night with people I love and cried early into the morning while alone on my bed. I have stumbled on uneven, terrible dirt roads in the dark and slipped on wet dirt roads after a rainstorm and almost fell on my butt. I have taken bodas and taxis, both by myself and with others, in the day and in the evening. There have been times where we are in a blackout (like now) and times where it seems every light in the entire city is switched on. I met new friends and reunited with old friends. I have loved and been loved.

This week, a lot of things have happened. 

The one thing that continued to disturb my mind is that none of them were “ministry”.

A few nights ago, I didn’t sleep at all. I couldn’t.

Instead, I just sat in my bed and wept.

Floods of doubt washed over me.

I felt like I had no idea what I was doing here.

I thought I was wasting my time and my supporter’s money.

I hadn’t “served” anyone or had any impactful photos I could post and get people engaged in my life here.

I felt like I was just living in Uganda on mostly other people’s money and I was not a good return on their investment.

Then, after external processing it all to my parents and someone here, I could breathe again.

I do have no idea what I’m doing here, but God does. And that’s all that matters. 

Not a minute or dollar has been wasted, though I cannot see the full impact yet.

I have been serving exactly where I was needed: to my friends. Multiple times throughout the week, I was a shoulder to cry on or a hug to be felt. I was a source of laughter, friendship, and support. In the times of diverse emotional and physical needs, I was able to literally be right beside them, spurring them on.

I am living in Uganda on other people’s money. But that’s what I wanted. That’s what I have been called to do. To live. I’m not a volunteer here on a short-term trip. I’m an American who has come home for Uganda to live, no matter how long or short.

It’s been a very emotional seven days here.

But, looking back, I wouldn’t have changed anything.

I’ve seen big life lessons and God’s provision and hand at work in the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly.

God has never once abandoned me and he never will. He knows the plans and what the future holds. He’s operating in his own time, which is something I usually do not comprehend until I look back.

And, just yesterday, more doors of opportunity were opened here!

I have been feeling that most of the organizations I have come knowing about are not the things that I am passionate about. That was hard because it meant starting over while in Uganda, with very limited internet for researching.

Good thing life in Uganda isn’t about researching via the internet, but rather about using the knowledge and resources of friends and family for networking!

They have been providing me with so many names and organizations.

So, beginning next Monday, things are going to be looking a lot different for me!

After this weekend, which is full of wedding festivities for my best friend from my time here in 2012 (stay tuned for pictures of me in traditional Ugandan wear and in cultural ceremonies!), I think I will be heading out to Lake Victoria for about a week to serve with a friend who my mom served with in Haiti and dad and I have served with in the past here in Uganda. He has some big things happening for the Kingdom in a village in the middle of the lake and I can’t wait to see what that looks like!

Like I previously said, it’s been a week of high highs and low lows.

But, I’ve finally accepted that with living in a new country and long-term ministry, not every day will look like ministry. With short-term trips, you bounce from one thing to another, trying to squeeze as much as possible in your short time. If that was the case with all long-term missionaries, the burn out rate would be higher and their time on ground, as a result, would be shorter because they need to get away and recharge. Some long-term missionaries can do “picturesque ministry” every day because God has called them to that, and I might be there someday. However, for at least these first two weeks, I’ve been called to minister by being a friend in all circumstances.

It might not look how I thought it was going to, but I am getting much better at seeing the bigger picture that God is putting into place here for me.

“Don’t let the next thing or the last thing rob you of the big thing in your life.” (Louie Giglio)