So, today has been strange. As I type this, I am in the driveway
at my house with my car door open and my seat reclined back, my feet propped
out on the window. I have been off of work for almost two hours but I cannot
bring myself to go inside my house. Maybe I’m afraid that when I do, suddenly
today will all seem real.
Today, I made a very difficult decision; I turned in my official
resignation to the place that has been my job for over a decade. It is a
decision I could see coming for about a year, but I hadn’t felt like I was
supposed to do it just yet. Today, I felt that release to make it official.
The other side of that is that I was also offered another
job today. (Well, actually multiple jobs from friends and family who have been on
my side in rally and prayer lately. But this one was an official offer from a business.) Another pharmacy offered me a part-time
job and now I have to decide if I want to accept it. It’s not that I necessarily want
the job, as much as I think I want the security of finances when I return from
Uganda in November.
As most of you know, my biggest source of doubt and
faithlessness is finances. God always provides the finances I need, whether it
be for mission trips or purchases or bills, but I doubt Him every time before
that money all comes in. I am now officially jobless. I will have one less
paycheck before Uganda and one less paycheck that will not be deposited while I
am in Uganda. This terrifies me. I was basically counting every last “chicken” before
it “hatched”, as to what bill every one of those dollars would be going towards.
Our fiscal year also starts over in October, so I planned to take my entire two
weeks of paid vacation and use it towards my trip. So, there’s another entire
two weeks of pay I will no longer be getting.
My brain is freaking out regarding all those “lost” finances
that I never should have been banking (hah get it?) on in the first place.
My heart says, “God’s got this.” My brain says, “Yeah, but
{insert bill amount due here}.” It’s currently why I am sitting in my car in
the driveway trying to figure out what happened today and what my next step is.
This morning, out of the blue, while I was helping my
brother get ready for school, he told me that when I get back from Uganda, he
will be 12. I laughed and said he misunderstood us; that I would be gone for 2
months and not 2 years. He looked at me with a confused look on his face and
said, “Oh… I think you’ll be gone for 2 years.” Now, we’ve already seen that
God uses and speaks through this little man. I keep hearing the way he said that
replaying in my head. Maybe God’s shown him something that He’s trying to show
me.
So, basically, right now, I am asking for your prayers. I am
getting ready to walk into a season of entirely new things. For the first time
since I was 16, I do not have the security of a job. Even while I was on my
various mission trips, I knew the second I returned, I would walk back to my
job as soon as I was ready to do so. I’m officially jobless and incomeless.
I have no idea what life will look like moving forward, but
I have faith that God does know and He’s got the best plan for me. And maybe I’ll
be more able to receive it with open hands now that I’ve released the death-grip
I had on the security blanket I called my job.
